The Child in You: The Breakthrough Method for Bringing Out Your Authentic Self
Stefanie Stahl, 2015
A wife forgot to buy sausage, and her husband exploded as if the world had fallen apart. The German psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl shows that in fights like this it isn't two adults arguing, but two inner children with their old hurts. You'll find the phrases from childhood that still rule your feelings, see which kind of protection gets in your way the most, and get exercises to comfort the shadow child and make room for the sun child.
Who it is for
For anyone who fights with the people closest to them over little things and then can't understand where all that anger came from. For anyone who doubts themselves, keeps pleasing others or hides behind work. And for everyone curious about how childhood goes on speaking in adult life.
Those who lack a home on the inside will never find one on the outside.
They fight about sausage, but two children are arguing
Sabine forgot to buy her husband his favourite sausage, and Michael really exploded. For her, that evening there was simply no sausage. For him, the world fell apart. They fight over little things like this all the time, and sometimes both of them feel it would be better to split up.
The German psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl explains that it wasn't two adults arguing in that kitchen. Michael grew up with a mother who didn't take his wishes seriously, and the forgotten sausage rubbed salt into an old wound. As a child Sabine rarely managed to please her parents, so her husband's shouting wakes helplessness and hurt in her. As the author sees it, in many conflicts the ones fighting are not independent adults but their inner children.
The inner child is a metaphor: the sum of childhood impressions, good and bad, most of which have sunk into the unconscious. Stahl divides it into two halves. The sun child holds joy, curiosity and spontaneity. The shadow child holds fears and hurts and causes problems again and again, because it acts without the mind noticing. The author makes clear that this split is a practical one, not a scientific one.
The German edition promises the key to solving “almost” all problems. Stahl is honest about the word “almost”: illness, the death of someone close, war and violence are beyond our control. The book is about the difficulties we take part in ourselves: arguments, fears, stress, self-doubt. Three things lie ahead: the phrases from childhood that still decide what you see; the armour that does more harm than the wound; and the exercises the adult can use to comfort the shadow child. And we'll come back to Michael. If your own “sausage” has already come to mind, that's a good start: many people go their whole lives without noticing moments like these.
One phrase from childhood becomes a pair of glasses for life
Michael's parents ran a bakery. Michael had a younger brother and sister, and his mother simply didn't have the strength for each of them. His father worked a lot too and couldn't make up for the attention his mother couldn't give. Little Michael drew a conclusion from this that sounds roughly like: “I'm not important.” Sabine's parents loved her, but they expected too much of her and criticised her far more often than they praised her. Her conclusion: “I'm not good enough.”
Stahl calls conclusions like these beliefs. A belief is a deep conviction about yourself and about other people, and it forms mostly in the first six years of life. A child can't judge whether the adults are doing the right thing. If a father shouts or hits, a small child won't think that Dad can't cope with his anger. The child will decide that they are the bad one.
Following the psychotherapy researcher Klaus Grawe, the author names four basic needs that stay the same all our lives: attachment, autonomy and control, pleasure, and recognition. Stahl admits she can't think of a single psychological problem in which at least one of them isn't affected. Wherever a child's need went unmet, a belief grows.
From then on a belief works like tinted glass. As the author sees it, every event passes along a chain: belief, interpretation, feeling, action. Through the phrase “I'm not important”, the forgotten sausage reads as “Sabine doesn't love me”, then comes hurt, and after the hurt, anger. Michael sees only the last link.
Stahl suggests finding your own phrases on a sheet of paper. Draw the outline of a child and, on either side of the head, write who raised you until you were six. Next to them, briefly describe what these people were like in unpleasant situations and what they liked to say. Then read a list of possible beliefs out loud and choose the one to three heaviest. The author's question will help too: in what situations do you lose control of yourself and feel ashamed afterwards? Write the phrases you find in the child's belly.
About the author
Stefanie Stahl is a German psychotherapist with many years of practice. She runs seminars and writes books about self-esteem and the fear of attachment.
All books by this author: Stefanie Stahl
Terms from the book
- Michael
- Thomas
- Perfectionism
- Sabine: Michael's wife in the example that runs through the book. Her parents criticised her a lot and praised her little, so her husband's shouting wakes helplessness in her.
- Inner child: A metaphor from psychology: the sum of childhood impressions, good and bad, which are mostly stored in the unconscious and affect how an adult feels. Not a diagnosis, and not a scientific term in the strict sense.
- Sun child: The book's image for the healthy part of self-esteem: joy, curiosity, spontaneity. The name was coined by the author's colleague Julia Tomuschat.
- Shadow child: The book's image for the wounded part of self-esteem: negative beliefs, fears and hurts from childhood. By Stahl's account, the split into the sun child and the shadow child is practical, not scientific.
- Belief: A deep conviction about yourself or other people, such as “I'm not important” or “I'm good enough”. As the author sees it, most beliefs form in the first six years of life.
- Grawe: Klaus Grawe, a German psychotherapy researcher. The author builds on his model of basic psychological needs.
- Basic needs: The book's name for four psychological needs that stay with a person all their life: attachment, autonomy and control, pleasure, and recognition.
- Watkins: John Watkins, an American psychologist. Stahl cites his “affect bridge” exercise, which helps you travel from a present-day feeling back to its roots in childhood.
- Self-protection strategy: The book's term for the habitual behaviour a person uses to hide from the pain of their beliefs: perfectionism, people-pleasing, control, attack, flight and others.
- Helper syndrome: The book's phrase for protection through helping: a person feels worthwhile only when someone needs them, and often grows attached to the people they rescue.
- Inner adult: The rational part of the personality in the book's model: it plans, weighs risks, takes responsibility for decisions and can comfort the shadow child.
- Kästner: Erich Kästner, a twentieth-century German writer, the author of the children's books “Emil and the Detectives” and “Lisa and Lottie”. Stahl credits him with a line about a good childhood.
- Hermann: One of Stahl's clients in the book's examples, aged 69. The three places exercise helped him see that in his fights with Miranda he is the one making the decisions.
- Miranda: Hermann's partner in the book's example, aged 65.
- Lara: A woman in one of the book's examples. She decided to talk calmly with a colleague who kept interrupting her at meetings.
- Jörg: Lara's colleague in the book's example: he interrupted her not out of disrespect but because of his impulsive temperament.
All terms
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